Mama

Now, if I remembered clearly Mama died on the second day of raya last year. And I remembered not wanting to go to mama house on the first day because bapak bullied me. I can't remember how he made me angry. But I was wailing in the corner of my bed with messed up hair. I remember shouting and cursing. Then silence after, my siblings keep getting me to go get ready. But I didnt want to. Then mum came in and shouted, she could die anytime. Do you want to regret after? And so, with my swollen face, got ready after alot persuasion. And I remembered I was feeling so angry, I never got to induldge in my last few moments with mama.
Next day, I checked my bank and was happy I finally got my first pay from my first full time job. I withdrew some money to give it to Mama (cos I was still mad at Mak for saying shit like that) I was at Teck Whye market atm machine, already withdrawn the cash. Making my way to Mama house when I switched lanes and decided to make amends to mum instead so i decided to walk all the way to Bukit Gombak where my family was at, visiting some cousins for Raya. It was a long walk and I remembered looking through snaps and smiling seeing my friends at the national day pre concert. I thought I was doing the right thing to walk to Mum. Had I known, it was the biggest mistake of my life. When I reached there, of course I gave the money to Mum and maybe all was good, maybe even not. We left that area soon enough and got a call from the maid, she said mama stopped breathing. CPR was done by my aunt on her but still she didn't respond. I was pancking shouting at them through the phone to use the defiblirator. But maybe it was too late. Ambulance fetched her and we raced to icu to catch her. We reached earlier than Mama in the ambulance. I remembered the last time i saw the paramedics pushing out her strectcher as she arrived shortly after. She was holding onto her machine that was apparently massaging her heart. I thought maybe she was still breathing seeing her hand grip onto the machine. While in the waiting room, seeing my lil sis already crying. I was praying so hard she lived while hugging onto my sis tightly. And when the doctor came in, they announced her time of death. She was gone. Obviously, I was in so much pain, I was crying out and I know a friend told me I had to be strong for my mum. But how could I when i had zero control over myself literally, like so desperate and mad and everything was just so intense at that moment, I couldn't think to console. Lastly when we got to see her body laying there in the room, unconcious, tears kept rolling all the way. I rmb feeling very weak but i was staring only at her chest hoping she was still there. I held onto her hand. It didn't grip mine back but dammit it was still warm. But why had she gone.
Right now, at this moment, Im not sure how Im surviving with friends around me who care, but I still can't forgive myself for not taking care my one life's cheerleader. Who supported me front and back when my family didn't. Who always saw the best in me even if I wasn't. I can't forgive myself for this. And family and friends, it was not about the gold or her things or her clothes that I fought hard to get. But to at least have some form of remembrance or perhaps all the remembrance I can get so I would not have to feel like I lost the world while I was still in it. To think she came all the way to see me graduate even when she was on the wheelchair. God took her away. Together with all her pain and sorrows no one probably knew about.
I silently hold grudges amongst those who have made her cry, telling myself I will not respect those who were selfish. Maybe I had given her my all or not. But I couldn't save her. I couldn't save her long before, the time when she said she wanted to die. And I will always hate myself for that.
Im in pain dammit, Im in so much pain I feel Im gonna die.

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Strawberry

I have it all figured out. From the moment I stuffed that fruit into that person's mouth, I knew I had nothing to fear around him. He was someone who needed to step into my life at one point to repair certain things in my life. And I guess for me, it was then. I wouldn't call it love, maybe just a crush or at most infatuation for okay, let's call it strawberry. This post is not going to address my emotions but in reality what had happened.

I never realised this till now but for my entire life, I finally realised that I have never been myself around friends or perhaps even, family. In fact, maybe I had zero idea about who I was. Strawberry made me realise the things that I liked, the music I like or hobbies. Strawberry inspired me to be no one other than myself. That was what I realised. Somehow, I got it all messed up with love, when I really should be grateful for the awesome relationship I already had and that was friendship. Although it wasn't as special as.. (dot dot dot) but it was still, highly without doubt, special. I realised how pushy and bossy I may have been, I always craved for more, how stupid of me and I guess that made me ungrateful. I gave everyone hell for sure.

I admit my mistakes and there is nothing that I can do to erase them. But I am, in all honesty very happy that he has moved on to find even more beautiful people who can keep him going. He deserves the happiness in the world and beyond. So all this crap about changing me, he didn't. What he did was making me accept all the insecurities and troubling thoughts that was the root to all the idiotic misbehaviours that was completely unnecessary yet, hilarious. My mind was opened up to a variety of perspectives. Lol. I'm not going to lie, I miss being stupid. Now I'm pretty much only delusional at most times.

If I confessed, I would say the story of that unrequited love is buried deep within me, not sure it is ever going to leave because this form of love is special to me. Because it's mine. Get it? Lol This was from a movie, at first I really thought it was stupid but when I think again it was true. It made me feel less bashful of the fact that I had fallen. And that is the most beautiful thing ever under the category of Self-love and acceptance. I have no idea why but I did manage to find peace in that. I guess if you place all of my other social interactions together, this would stand out as perhaps the top two or even the best of them. And that's okay.

On a side note, I think I am giving up on myself in this search for that kind of love, I don't think I know how to love. I haven't crushed on anyone since. I tried, but the fact that I'm trying to crush on someone obviously is not going to work. No mind games is or going to help me. Also, my famz are obviously giving me a hard time on letting me pursue what I love, that could actually bring joy back to my life (of which I overcame! Hell yeah, but that tension is still there). I believe it is the only way to bring life back to my soul. And hopefully, these hardships will bring me closer to freedom and almost-happiness because I'm pretty much convinced true happiness don't exist here.

Also, damn, I'm going through this phase where I feel I can't be myself in a hijab. It started with profanities, then my dressing, then the way I look and now, the places I go to. I am completely stressed out. And I feel that it might have been the wrong time to have started putting on the hijab. So wherever God is, He knows why I put it on, and honestly I'm still hurt by Him for taking grandma. But as I know He is The Almighty, the All-Knowing but I do want to ask, why this hurt? It's changing me. I don't know where it's taking me. I feel like I am lost. I don't know how to deal with the pain. It's within me. It has ruined my relationship with my mum, family because I'm stubborn to listen and obey. Do I have to explain it all over again? And do I already have a place reserved in hell for voicing out? Where did I go wrong? OH dearie..

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DespOration

My lack of expertise in probably the simplest form of social interaction has beaten me down to my knees. Why am I always constantly in this internal whirlpool of emotions that I cover up with some douchey behaviour that was actually provoking some agitation in the crowd. In my defense, I was trying to bring laughter to the room but I unknowingly started behaving like a total douchebag.

Really, I think I was trying too hard to be something I'm not. I was desperate for friends. But when have I ever cared about that. Okay, actually I haven't found people whom I can comfortably open up to. And to be honest, it gets pretty lonely no matter how self-sufficient and independent I want to be. Lol. It's true though.

But I think tonight was a lesson to be learnt that I should not have to put in so much effort into getting people to like me. I just have to relax and stay calm and really just be who I truly am. And if they like me, they'll talk but if they don't then it's fine.

I already know this yet, I behaved that way. See what desperation can do to you sometimes.

Desperation is not necessarily all bad. Apart from maybe not using it in the area of making friends, perhaps I could use it in other areas. And I'll let you figure out in which area of your life, desperation can be useful. Lol.

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Get Used

Got hurt pretty bad today. I didn't know I was driving myself up towards it. But I guess it happened. I didn't want to be the root to problems because for once I wanted to feel normal but somehow...

No matter how much they say it, reality stays. I couldn't find peace or resolve the issue quickly to move on. I had to get hurt. I got hurt pretty bad. I couldn't. I was a loser.

Im feeling the pressure from people and family. I need it all to stop. But it just won't. I hurt others when I'm hurt and that makes me someone no one wanna be with.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Why it gotta hurt so bad?

I don't know what I'm doing right anymore.

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Pain

Two types of pain, one that leaves you hurt and the other that completely breaks you. Hurt takes time to heal. The case is different for when one is totally broken on the inside. Time alone would not be sufficient to bring life back. Maybe external help could help to fix you. But once broken, no matter how you try to piece the pieces together, you will still see the cracks. The person could no longer be like he once was.

That change is what we all fear. What everyone fear is to wake up one day feeling numb. One who says he is not afraid of change could possibly never went through one OR has gone through so many, he no longer fears it. A person who craves for change all the time are the people who can't provide an assurance that it won't wreck anything. In the process, creates a series of issues to face.

We need to learn to acknowledge that our hearts take time to warm up to these changes. The more we expose it to drastic changes, the faster it loses it's warmth. And soon, you start to feel numb of all the warmth your body and soul is trying to gather. That is when you need another to "fix" you.

I can't tell you readers not to reach to that point where you will need someone to "fix" you. And I am not saying that it is bad that someone has to "fix" you because obviously there are good outcomes of that too. What I am trying to point out that if we took care of ourselves, we take full responsibility of our own growth. And that could help you in your time of need where there is absolutely no one.

And that is strength. From all the hurt that you went through.

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How

In a state of confusion about where I'm supposed to be at or what I'm supposed to do. I will not say that this stress is pulling me down. But it's just much more complicated than that. To tell you the truth, I'm hurt. I'm hurt because they sounded supportive at first but right now, I just got this sinking feeling that they'll spit at my face 2 or 3 years down the road.

To think that has happened before, I would not want them to do it again with regards to something I'm passionate about. Knowing them, I'll know it will happen anyways and this is the exact reason it's making me feel like shit now.

I should feel proud but even if I wanted to feel happy, I honestly can't. They have other expectations of me. The only reason why they matter is because they're important to me. Familiar with the phrase, "Those who matter don't mind and, those who mind don't matter." I completely agree with it but I can't exactly apply it to this issue.

Because family who mind, will always matter.

The hurt is caused by the lack of support for me and speculating behind my back. I'm just intolerable of that behaviour and with regards to family, the tolerance level is shot further way down to below zero in all honesty.

So, that's why I just feel like shit.

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Let it go

Dear readers,

Firstly, a hug for each one of you. Hahaha A few things has happened past couple of weeks, involving me or not, maybe even occurring around me. I never realised the amount of baggages some of us are carrying while we go on with our daily lives. Whether if it's peoples' expectations of us or mostly our own expectations of ourselves. We tend to get hurt when we don't get in return what we give to those we care about. That hurt tends to get buried deep inside of us for various reasons. One of which, (most common one of all) is to prevent any conflicts or drama in a relationship. Others may include being shameful of the fact that they got hurt (Ego), or afraid of being judged or even knowing the fact that voicing out may not actually resolve anything and make the other party understand (Very Sad But Has Happened A Lot of Times).

Still, we treasure these relationships a lot even though they have caused so much pain because of... hope and also because there were memories shared between the two of you that were meant to last (because if it were not to last, it wouldn't even count as a memory in the first place.) High Five if you have put faith into every relationship you start. But let me tell you the different types of relationships we have got. So, we have got love, friendship, family and work/ school. Under each category can be further sorted in what level of closeness you have with each person. One category may switch roles, some categories can be grouped into one. For example, friends can provide you the things your own family may lack in providing. Another example would be, maybe school can be your second home. Basically, people can have a billion ways how they sort these things out. And every way is acceptable as long as they're happy and no one is getting abused.

We can try to prevent conflicts, but as much as we do to alleviate these things, it may occur at any point in time and blaming anyone is not going to resolve the issue. I see different people dealing with these things and I can tell you that I see some methods that I like and some that I quite frankly, hate. But I believe there is a fair explanation as to why people choose to handle things in a certain way. It takes a lot of time to know that but for you to actually understand why they handle things in that manner requires a higher level of EQ of which, I have barely reached as of now. I tend to get really agitated sometimes when I can't understand a person. So I do this  "Letting Go".

Now of course, I don't entirely give up on that person but rather, apologise and put it at the back of my head so that when in future, a similar experience happens, I might actually end up learning something new. And that feeling is amazing especially, when you get the opportunity to get back to the same person at their time of convenience and just have a small chat with them. Being capable of relating to them this time round. I might sound like I'm bragging far too much on this one but take my word for it, it is the most amazing feeling ever.

But back to reality... How often does that happen? Very rarely I must say because one word: life. But ☝ it has happened before keep hopes right where they are. Because unlike some people I interacted with, I genuinely want to seek an understanding with the people I care about. Why? Let me tell you why. Because it hurts a lot sometimes when I can't do that. So a lot of times, I pull back and think maybe they will find friends better than me. Friends who could actually play the roles better. That's when I hurt them.

Then ya, you know the drill, feelings of regret rolls in zzz. Moment of silence for the died-ed relationships... *beep*

I encountered a few that made me slap myself so hard everytime my pride gets in the way or bang my head against the wall everytime my ego gets in the way. So much so that it ain't important to me now. But when I go back to where I live, sometimes as much as I want to stop these, I can't. I feel like I'm surrounded by "expectations" to go back to your old habits. They have the ability to put you down so low to the point where you think, "What's the point in being different". I don't know if you can comprehend from my writing and I know that I can't complain as much because I know a lot of you out there may be going through this same thing. I know that I'm not alone in this world. But from where I live, I constantly feel this way. The probability of how long it lasts.. from my calculations, I would say, forever.

When you thought you're at ground level with your emotions, then comes quite conveniently, my fears. T_T I fear that when the time comes, I will regret everything and I won't be able to do anything about to fix things with the person because they've passed on. Then, I will carry on my life pathetic, weak and stupid. It scares me and right now I'm thinking if that's a correct trigger point to mend things. Based on my prior experiences, no. So, I'm pretty much in quicksand but what can I do?

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Overrated Love Out There

Listened to a cover of Brandy's "Have you ever" by Matt Bloyd, Mario Jose and Vincint Cannady. And it made me weak. Sigh..

That special kind of love where one is desired emotionally, physically whatever, is not made for me. That kind of love hurts damn it, it hurts like shit.

I remember when I was desperate. When I was stupid. Honestly, love was something we all crave for whether we crave it secretly or out in the open. We all want it. It is the thing that fills our hearts up.

And every year, apparently there is this one day where we will surely feel alone when we would want someone to take care of us. The kind of care your family lacks in providing. That yearning unfortunately, crushes us to possibly one of our many lowest points.

We start building walls when people start taking advantage of that weak side of us. We build walls higher than the ozone layers up above. Believe me, the construction of these walls happen on their own, they don't need your conscience efforts for it to begin. It's not something we could stop either depending on the levels of impact the experience we face have on us. It's inevitable so don't beat yourself up.

Anyone who has the ability to break those walls may not always be the one. (Learnt that the hard way) "The one" meaning one who holds us when we break, one who protects us and ensures safety even when the walls are down. But if it's broken, things may wreck your anxiety system like shit. "At first you drown and you have to let yourself drown in it but after some time, you will start to swim." Then you'll become stronger than you were before.

What happens after is another cycle of heart cardio exercises when the next fall happens. And it will. Keep hope alive. Maintain the desperation and all will be good. May peace be with you. 😃

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Queen

Just let go of everything that pulls you down. If you feel like a Queen but under the control of someone or something, free yourself. I don't really know what a Queen does but basically to live your life on your own terms and rules gives you a control no one can share with you.

Don't hold on to things too tightly because you either lose them or you lose yourself in the process. Nobody wants that. Trust me, you don't. No one has the right to own your life more than you do. Own it!

You can be really sucky at doing things. Especially when you are pessimistic, whiny and petty. You depend on people when you really shouldn't. Where is the Queen in that? 

Okay maybe you don't want to be Queen, but you want to be treated normally. Why are they better than you.. What makes them loved.. If thats what you're thinking, let me give you a huge hug. 

To console yourself, you are treated differently, because you are different. Truth is what you contribute is often what you get in return. If you haven't been open in the way you converse with people, you are probably going to close all doors to a healthy surface level clean friendly relationship with people. Open in the sense where you listen.. And that, is something you suck at so much. Why so, let us save that for another day. As of now let us try to deal with this issue first.

Other ways of being open is when you leave your opinions to yourself and share at the appropriate time with the right amount of consideration for the receiver's feelings. You don't want to subtly hurt someone at first interaction. 

I think thats all I can think of for now. Last thing before I end of importantly is of course to be yourself at every step of the way whether it is going to be reserved, open or loud, you have to be yourself. ;)

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Dark Corner Days

It's those kind of days again. 

The kind of days that make you want to just lie in front of your laptop, wrapped in your favourite comforter with a box of tissues on your right and Ayataka green tea on the left. Don't ask me why Ayataka... That is what I'd do if I was back at home but since I'm here, it's just Ayataka, me and my phone tonight at one dark corner of a room.

It is those days where you just need to be left alone to reflect on your past actions and life. And I can tell you if I start playing my playlist now, the tears will start rolling and it would never stop. I'm going to blame it on monthly flows as of now because nothing has actually happened today to make me feel this way again.

I just know I'm likely in the most sensitive state right now and that is why I can't be around people so much. It happens to a lot of people. I used to depend on people a lot. But I've learnt not to so much. Not doing the bottling up method also because I'm really not a fan of bursting once I'm filled up to the brim.

I wanted to write more.. But not today gahhhh, Oh wells

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Stuttering my name

Stuttering, that involuntary repetition of sounds coming from your mouth, that seems to be the most frustrating thing that could happen to anyone who wants to make a good first impression or you want to tell something important. Of course, it isn't like the first time it has happened to me but exactly how do you deal with yourself in that state.

Guns & Roses were about to have their concert here in Singapore for the first and probably the last time. And people who were driving to the venue had to purchase a special carpark label to get into its nearby carpark. In order to do that, they had to exchange the ticket voucher for the carpark label. And the only place they could do that was at the main office all the way at Paya Lebar. So imagine facing over 50 angry customers a day complaining about how much of a hassle they have to go through to get to the place for the carpark label. So one day, this customer asked for my name when she was rejected a carpark label just because she forgot to bring the voucher for the exchange which was crucial in the exchange mainly for the show's back end purposes. And guess what her argument was, "Who is the customer? I'm the cutomer right?" She went to customer service and she demanded to be given the carpark label saying that she would send the picture of the voucher ripped when she reaches home. And that's just trying to screw the system's protocol based on some "trust on humanity" she expects us to have. It had to go through permission from higher authorities to get that for her. And when she looked so happy after she got what she wanted, I couldnt feel happy for her. Because there were dozens more who couldn't get it without exchanging the physical ticket and yet she got it with that annoying bratty little attitude of hers that I just can't stand. Why exactly did she deserve that chance, why? Come on guys.

And this is what I gathered from the experience. Or at least the recount of thoughts and emotions running through my head and system. It's like when you have drafts of messages inside your head that are ready to be delivered to the audience but suddenly, parts of your tongue starts becoming paralysed. At that exact moment the spotlight moment gets ruined by that infamous stuttering. So while you're sitting down there, still determined to handle the situation at its best, saving both sides' asses, the surge of doubt kicks in. Then at this rate, you're down to perhaps 50% determination left in your system. That's when you start saying the wrong things. This usually leads to another issue or just an unresolved conflict. That was what happened to me when she walked straight to the customer service line.

I am not going to lie, those type of experiences tend to bring my self-esteem down to its lowest point sometimes. Other times, I usually get over it pretty quickly. That's when I realised that I was back again at square one in this area of expertise. I started to feel useless again and irrelevant. That Im all good for nothing.

Right after work, the depressive emotions came creeping back into my little black heart making me recall all of my other social interactions. How I always have problems with my friends or how Im unable to help someone or how nobody trusts me or basically how irrelevant I am. It took me a very long to separate out all these similar instances. Because deep deep down inside my head was left with some 1% or so, amount of logic that was able to bring my state of mind back to the route to sanity. And that logic was- Although these experiences were similar, they were not all the same. I had to cut myself a little bit of slack to actually be able to differentiate these things. And it worked sufficiently, but this episode is probably going to happen again in the future, I just know it. So that's why the battle never ends. And we become warriors against these inner demons. Perhaps we can't lose them but we can definitely rise above. But right now, kinda just wanna disappear.

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That almost feeling..

It's been a very long since I wrote. And I remember earlier instances where I almost started a diary but didn't. So this is what those instances have manifested into. This is why the almost feeling is such an important trigger. It eventually leads you to doing something about things. One of the many several trigger areas to get your shit together in life.

I emphasize the importance of making meaningful use of time because of how limited of a resource it apparently is. How you choose to spend it will define how much you actually value it in order to make the most out of it. That's why if it's valuable to you, you wouldn't want to waste it on unnecessary thoughts or actions. And of course, there will be downfalls and when that happens. Listen to me, forget the theory on top and take all the time you need to recuperate. Just remember to get back up after all the pity parties.

For myself, I managed to successfully create a list of priorities that will help manage my time wisely based on my interests at heart. As of now, I want zero disruptions to holding me back from what I want to do. I want to be able to create the perfect gown and be one of the best makeup artists. I want to be able to steer clear of road blocks or pitfalls. Okay maybe not steer clear, but to always have a back up for the initial plan. And then, back up for the back up and so on and so forth. Because unlike you lucky readers out there, things don't always turn out like how I want them to. Also, to be completely honest, it feels intimidating to have the goals written but what's good is that this will help to push you further to achieve them. Lastly, seize every opportunity you can get to solve problems whether it's at work or with the people you care about. Because zero problems = zero stress = higher productivity levels. Lastly, always seek useful knowledge, again, nothing comes clean, do your necessary filtering to benefit your intake.

When everything goes smooth, there will be instances whereby you start hitting yourself thinking that you were stupid not to listen to all the adults saying what you should have pursued. Stop, breathe, get some water and think. 20 30 years down the road, would this really be the biggest disappointment of your life or would it be an even bigger disappointment had you not followed your heart?

It's going to be tiring and nerve-wrecking and maybe even a little painful I don't know but this is how you're actually paving your way to inner peace. Slowly but surely, like a friend or two have once or twice reminded, all these good things take time. And I suppose the longer the wait, the more the end result will be worth it.

I wanna thank every person who has motivated me one way or another, please kiss yourself for me. I love all of you and even if I can't demonstrate it well. Thank you.

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