Mama

Now, if I remembered clearly Mama died on the second day of raya last year. And I remembered not wanting to go to mama house on the first day because bapak bullied me. I can't remember how he made me angry. But I was wailing in the corner of my bed with messed up hair. I remember shouting and cursing. Then silence after, my siblings keep getting me to go get ready. But I didnt want to. Then mum came in and shouted, she could die anytime. Do you want to regret after? And so, with my swollen face, got ready after alot persuasion. And I remembered I was feeling so angry, I never got to induldge in my last few moments with mama.
Next day, I checked my bank and was happy I finally got my first pay from my first full time job. I withdrew some money to give it to Mama (cos I was still mad at Mak for saying shit like that) I was at Teck Whye market atm machine, already withdrawn the cash. Making my way to Mama house when I switched lanes and decided to make amends to mum instead so i decided to walk all the way to Bukit Gombak where my family was at, visiting some cousins for Raya. It was a long walk and I remembered looking through snaps and smiling seeing my friends at the national day pre concert. I thought I was doing the right thing to walk to Mum. Had I known, it was the biggest mistake of my life. When I reached there, of course I gave the money to Mum and maybe all was good, maybe even not. We left that area soon enough and got a call from the maid, she said mama stopped breathing. CPR was done by my aunt on her but still she didn't respond. I was pancking shouting at them through the phone to use the defiblirator. But maybe it was too late. Ambulance fetched her and we raced to icu to catch her. We reached earlier than Mama in the ambulance. I remembered the last time i saw the paramedics pushing out her strectcher as she arrived shortly after. She was holding onto her machine that was apparently massaging her heart. I thought maybe she was still breathing seeing her hand grip onto the machine. While in the waiting room, seeing my lil sis already crying. I was praying so hard she lived while hugging onto my sis tightly. And when the doctor came in, they announced her time of death. She was gone. Obviously, I was in so much pain, I was crying out and I know a friend told me I had to be strong for my mum. But how could I when i had zero control over myself literally, like so desperate and mad and everything was just so intense at that moment, I couldn't think to console. Lastly when we got to see her body laying there in the room, unconcious, tears kept rolling all the way. I rmb feeling very weak but i was staring only at her chest hoping she was still there. I held onto her hand. It didn't grip mine back but dammit it was still warm. But why had she gone.
Right now, at this moment, Im not sure how Im surviving with friends around me who care, but I still can't forgive myself for not taking care my one life's cheerleader. Who supported me front and back when my family didn't. Who always saw the best in me even if I wasn't. I can't forgive myself for this. And family and friends, it was not about the gold or her things or her clothes that I fought hard to get. But to at least have some form of remembrance or perhaps all the remembrance I can get so I would not have to feel like I lost the world while I was still in it. To think she came all the way to see me graduate even when she was on the wheelchair. God took her away. Together with all her pain and sorrows no one probably knew about.
I silently hold grudges amongst those who have made her cry, telling myself I will not respect those who were selfish. Maybe I had given her my all or not. But I couldn't save her. I couldn't save her long before, the time when she said she wanted to die. And I will always hate myself for that.
Im in pain dammit, Im in so much pain I feel Im gonna die.