Strawberry

I have it all figured out. From the moment I stuffed that fruit into that person's mouth, I knew I had nothing to fear around him. He was someone who needed to step into my life at one point to repair certain things in my life. And I guess for me, it was then. I wouldn't call it love, maybe just a crush or at most infatuation for okay, let's call it strawberry. This post is not going to address my emotions but in reality what had happened.

I never realised this till now but for my entire life, I finally realised that I have never been myself around friends or perhaps even, family. In fact, maybe I had zero idea about who I was. Strawberry made me realise the things that I liked, the music I like or hobbies. Strawberry inspired me to be no one other than myself. That was what I realised. Somehow, I got it all messed up with love, when I really should be grateful for the awesome relationship I already had and that was friendship. Although it wasn't as special as.. (dot dot dot) but it was still, highly without doubt, special. I realised how pushy and bossy I may have been, I always craved for more, how stupid of me and I guess that made me ungrateful. I gave everyone hell for sure.

I admit my mistakes and there is nothing that I can do to erase them. But I am, in all honesty very happy that he has moved on to find even more beautiful people who can keep him going. He deserves the happiness in the world and beyond. So all this crap about changing me, he didn't. What he did was making me accept all the insecurities and troubling thoughts that was the root to all the idiotic misbehaviours that was completely unnecessary yet, hilarious. My mind was opened up to a variety of perspectives. Lol. I'm not going to lie, I miss being stupid. Now I'm pretty much only delusional at most times.

If I confessed, I would say the story of that unrequited love is buried deep within me, not sure it is ever going to leave because this form of love is special to me. Because it's mine. Get it? Lol This was from a movie, at first I really thought it was stupid but when I think again it was true. It made me feel less bashful of the fact that I had fallen. And that is the most beautiful thing ever under the category of Self-love and acceptance. I have no idea why but I did manage to find peace in that. I guess if you place all of my other social interactions together, this would stand out as perhaps the top two or even the best of them. And that's okay.

On a side note, I think I am giving up on myself in this search for that kind of love, I don't think I know how to love. I haven't crushed on anyone since. I tried, but the fact that I'm trying to crush on someone obviously is not going to work. No mind games is or going to help me. Also, my famz are obviously giving me a hard time on letting me pursue what I love, that could actually bring joy back to my life (of which I overcame! Hell yeah, but that tension is still there). I believe it is the only way to bring life back to my soul. And hopefully, these hardships will bring me closer to freedom and almost-happiness because I'm pretty much convinced true happiness don't exist here.

Also, damn, I'm going through this phase where I feel I can't be myself in a hijab. It started with profanities, then my dressing, then the way I look and now, the places I go to. I am completely stressed out. And I feel that it might have been the wrong time to have started putting on the hijab. So wherever God is, He knows why I put it on, and honestly I'm still hurt by Him for taking grandma. But as I know He is The Almighty, the All-Knowing but I do want to ask, why this hurt? It's changing me. I don't know where it's taking me. I feel like I am lost. I don't know how to deal with the pain. It's within me. It has ruined my relationship with my mum, family because I'm stubborn to listen and obey. Do I have to explain it all over again? And do I already have a place reserved in hell for voicing out? Where did I go wrong? OH dearie..