Firstly, a hug for each one of you. Hahaha A few things has happened past couple of weeks, involving me or not, maybe even occurring around me. I never realised the amount of baggages some of us are carrying while we go on with our daily lives. Whether if it's peoples' expectations of us or mostly our own expectations of ourselves. We tend to get hurt when we don't get in return what we give to those we care about. That hurt tends to get buried deep inside of us for various reasons. One of which, (most common one of all) is to prevent any conflicts or drama in a relationship. Others may include being shameful of the fact that they got hurt (Ego), or afraid of being judged or even knowing the fact that voicing out may not actually resolve anything and make the other party understand (Very Sad But Has Happened A Lot of Times).
Still, we treasure these relationships a lot even though they have caused so much pain because of... hope and also because there were memories shared between the two of you that were meant to last (because if it were not to last, it wouldn't even count as a memory in the first place.) High Five if you have put faith into every relationship you start. But let me tell you the different types of relationships we have got. So, we have got love, friendship, family and work/ school. Under each category can be further sorted in what level of closeness you have with each person. One category may switch roles, some categories can be grouped into one. For example, friends can provide you the things your own family may lack in providing. Another example would be, maybe school can be your second home. Basically, people can have a billion ways how they sort these things out. And every way is acceptable as long as they're happy and no one is getting abused.
We can try to prevent conflicts, but as much as we do to alleviate these things, it may occur at any point in time and blaming anyone is not going to resolve the issue. I see different people dealing with these things and I can tell you that I see some methods that I like and some that I quite frankly, hate. But I believe there is a fair explanation as to why people choose to handle things in a certain way. It takes a lot of time to know that but for you to actually understand why they handle things in that manner requires a higher level of EQ of which, I have barely reached as of now. I tend to get really agitated sometimes when I can't understand a person. So I do this "Letting Go".
Now of course, I don't entirely give up on that person but rather, apologise and put it at the back of my head so that when in future, a similar experience happens, I might actually end up learning something new. And that feeling is amazing especially, when you get the opportunity to get back to the same person at their time of convenience and just have a small chat with them. Being capable of relating to them this time round. I might sound like I'm bragging far too much on this one but take my word for it, it is the most amazing feeling ever.
But back to reality... How often does that happen? Very rarely I must say because one word: life. But ☝ it has happened before keep hopes right where they are. Because unlike some people I interacted with, I genuinely want to seek an understanding with the people I care about. Why? Let me tell you why. Because it hurts a lot sometimes when I can't do that. So a lot of times, I pull back and think maybe they will find friends better than me. Friends who could actually play the roles better. That's when I hurt them.
Then ya, you know the drill, feelings of regret rolls in zzz. Moment of silence for the died-ed relationships... *beep*
I encountered a few that made me slap myself so hard everytime my pride gets in the way or bang my head against the wall everytime my ego gets in the way. So much so that it ain't important to me now. But when I go back to where I live, sometimes as much as I want to stop these, I can't. I feel like I'm surrounded by "expectations" to go back to your old habits. They have the ability to put you down so low to the point where you think, "What's the point in being different". I don't know if you can comprehend from my writing and I know that I can't complain as much because I know a lot of you out there may be going through this same thing. I know that I'm not alone in this world. But from where I live, I constantly feel this way. The probability of how long it lasts.. from my calculations, I would say, forever.
When you thought you're at ground level with your emotions, then comes quite conveniently, my fears. T_T I fear that when the time comes, I will regret everything and I won't be able to do anything about to fix things with the person because they've passed on. Then, I will carry on my life pathetic, weak and stupid. It scares me and right now I'm thinking if that's a correct trigger point to mend things. Based on my prior experiences, no. So, I'm pretty much in quicksand but what can I do?
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