"Ek Villain"

What if you fell for someone for the first time. And find out, he's not going to live long enough for the two of you to actually live a proper life together?
Would you leave the person?

Quote from the movie:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that,
 Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

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Acceptance

How many of you can bravely accept the fact that you can't have what you always wanted even when every bone in your body tells you to fight for that someone. I think I can't do this anymore. I can't keep growing on you because everyone knows, I know I'm not good for you.

You need someone who motivates you, strengthens your soul and bring positive vibes to you all the time. The way you'd always did for me. It's sad because I don't have that capacity to be that person.

Enough of all this, I give up on love. The kind of love a woman seeks in a man. I hate it so much because deep down I know he died. Every person has that special one.

Not me. Fuck love. Gimme diamonds~

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....................................... ROCKS.

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Pressure

I feel like the pressure is definitely coming to me, especially with alot more eyes focusing on me now. Nothing has changed. I feel like exploding but I really don't want to. I can't give up right now. I have to be able to find my will and way to move forward no matter how much people are looking down upon me, bringing me down through every step of the way. The weight on my shoulders is definitely increasing day by day. My only worry is that I break at the most crucial point and I won't be able to get back up again.

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Seek Help if you need one

I'm recounting an incident that happened two days ago. It was something familliar that I experienced with myself. So for readers out there, if you can relate, you're not alone. I'm not alone. I know, I'm not.

Lecture theatre, those big huge cold halls filled with escalated rows of seat and desks that are to be filled with students. The lecturer comes in, introducing herself, talking to everyone. I mean, all that shouldn't scare you yet. Wait till, it gets dark, and the lecturer walks up the rows and her topics gets too intense, and everyone's just jotting down notes, and you're just sitting there, worrying. Negative thoughts about making sure you understand every word she is trying to say.

Okay firstly, it's fucking embarrassing to write my thoughts out here, but please don't judge, I'm just trying to figure out why the incident happened by jotting down all of my thoughts here.

I was anxious about I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT! My heart started racing, my lungs felt like they were being squeezed so tightly. My palms started to sweat and all I could think of was why the lecturer kept coming close to my seat.



I felt so claustrophobic and a rush of emotions overwhelmed me. Before I knew it, I started to tear so hard, then I tried regulating my emotions by fiddling with my rubber band. I felt like I had to escape and run away where no one could see me. It was all so embarrassing. Cold sweat and worn out like I just ran was what I felt after I left the Lecture theatre. I wanted to die literally. I DID NOT.

By the next lesson, I felt so sad, so disappointed that I wasn't behaving the normal chilled I-don't-give-a-damn way that I could be. When I looked around the class, everyone looked drained, tired, absolutely fine. I just kept tearing because my heart was still racing. I did not understand why I felt that way. I felt very anxious.

I'm blaming the coffee. But it was meant to wake myself up. Not make me go crazy.

For moments like this where I felt absolutely no control over my freak-outs. These are when I really hate myself and shut down. But because I was in the midst of lessons, with my friends there,I had to pull though. I had to. I couldn't run.

I had to calm myself down whatever way possible so I got out of the class, I balled my eyes out. Cried all my heart out but shit, it made no difference.

Nothing helped. I had no control. I was scared, fucking scared. I got back in and with my puffy eyes, just stared at anything that could distract me from the discomfort I was feeling.

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Different

Smell the air on the other side. I finally got to change certain things about my life... Slowly, adapting and accepting that change is inevitable. And that I can overcome it all. Just have got to stop panicking over the littlest things and with the shortest attention span that I have, to focus and observe the people who matter to me.

I found you in the hopeless place, yet you constantly sought for the company of the most genuine of them all.. And even though I really didn't, you picked me. Even though I've shown how ugly I am on the inside, you accepted me, brought me in to the state that felt the most safest. I appreciated it and I depended on it so much so I was so afraid that one day, it'll all be gone. No matter what, that comfortable spot I had there, was never going to be mine forever.

Call it anxiety disorder, or whatsoever, when happy ending is actually there, I get so uneasy. Like it just never meant to be. How I ended my very first relationship?? I didn't really, I ran away, I questioned every single feeling he had for me. I didn't believe in love. And I guess I still don't. Right now, I don't want to let go, simply because no one could ever beat him in terms of winning a heart.

Dear Gold, you have a heart of gold, and the sweetest smile and you thought me so much, and through every step of the way, I won't lie that your voice has always come into my head, before I make a decision.

Occasionally, outbreaks, or so called, relapse, there can be more than one voice in my head that will eventually make me wanna shut everything out to make me listen to myself more. Then I realise, I don't have one in the darkest time. I'm really just pathetic, but I don't wish to be empathized, I really just need someone to be right next to me. I only want to seek help the one.

I haven't found the one, I can't really count on anyone to be by beside me. Because, it's a battle I gotta fight with myself. And what more easier way, than to find your so called, "other half".

Dear me, I have become weak.

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Chicken Pox at 19 Y/O &%$$%#@%$^#$^!!

I had chicken pox at 19. really embarrassing. When has something not been embarrassing in my life?

I CANNOT BELIEVE MY LIFE IS TURNING INTO A NEVER ENDING WHIRLPOOL OF COMPLICATIONS AND FUCKS.

I wont even start to explain all that's happened. I don't wish to remember them all.

These few days being quarantined at home (listening to taylor swift) have made me realise the importance of knowing that I should be comfortable in whatever skin I'm in. Whether it's scaley, burnt or dry, I'm gonna live through it all. Although I'm not too sure how I'm gonna live with the scars. ALL of it.

So I'm right at home, and well, nothing much has happened, except I just know everything is going to be alright in the future. I really hope my life turns back to its normal, sufficiently bearable amount of stress kind-of-life.

Then again, I'm not a baby, after what I've been through I don't think I'll be sulking over many issues for now. Life is short. Really short.

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Love Confession/ The End

It was a confession and also the end of what could have been the most beautiful relationship 30 to 40 years down the road.
I can't say all that's happened. But from my perspective of the whole thing. Even till now, it affects me so badly. Yet, only time can heal its wounds. And I gotta accept what was first for me would be the very last in my entire life. Because, face it Syazana, you' had countless opportunities, you blew every single one of them. Just because the vibe wasn't right. And you will keep doing that till one day the vibe is right when it always was. Trust in yourself is what you lack.
The countless number of excuses to cover up your real emotions. Hoping someone out there could read between the lines you speak, that's really realistic right, Syazana?
Self-Talk people... Its a coping strategy. Because reflecting on everything that has happened. You chose to immerse yourself in so many activities at one time. You face the consequences of having to understand every single situation at one time.
When I wasn't able to be empathetic about anything you were talking, somehow God was able to give me the exact real situations to happen within the shortest period of time.
On top of that, despite all that, it was all worthless. Every single attempt of mine has gone down the drain. 
Wanting to change into a better person. Well, you have, except you lose out so many.
I really hate myself. And I miss my Aunt. 

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Best Feeling

The best feeling

Is lying on your bed in a dark room with light coming in from the dining area. Knowing your parents out there bonding or loving each other.
Look to the right and you see your little sister like how it has always been from as long as you could remember.

The best feeling

Is knowing tomorrow will be just as the same as today. And the people who's in your life stay there. And like nothing has changed.

The best feeling

Is hearing the doctor say, everything is gonna be okay and that they'll do their very best to save a fighter. A strong believer. A woman who has shown love in the nastiest ways. No one can ever imagine what saving this woman could do to tomorrow.

The best feeling

Is receiving an expected text from someone you like. Asking you for anything and you know you'd do anything for him.

Lastly, the best feeling

Is to be able to breathe through it all.

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How wrong was I

Everyone's entitled to love whoever they want whenever they want. Even when the other don't reciprocate, you love them entirely anyways.
And I guess thats true l***
Im slowly restoring faith in humanity now. Because, I realised that I can hurt anyone at anytime within a blink of an eye. It's my charm. But the challenge, is taking care of the heart I truly care about.
Even when it's just half.
I kinda feel like Queen Regina in Season two of once upon a time. And its cuz, I've got so much to learn from her.

I'm never going down,
I'm never giving up,
I'm never gonna leave.

It's a promise I'm making for me.

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TFIOS

I dont know why I thought about this while watching the movie, "The fault in our stars" But I think I guess I was in that state of disbelief.
Just because I dont believe in true love or happy endings in you-know-what, it doesnt give me the right to ruin it for the others. Others are still searching in that delusional state that true happiness exists in this world.
Deep down inside, I know none of that is real. At least not in this world.
We'll never be truly content with what we have, a small percentage of us will always want more, more than even the greatest form of affection, wealth or knowledge found on this planet.
Gratitude, empathy and selflessness come into the picture, to save us from the monsters we truly are.
Im so sick of love, infatuation shit. Im totally incapable of.

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Jump

You got to be brave
Life will remind you of shitty things but dont let it stop you from achieving your goals, being the person you were born to embrace.

Honestly, Im so sick of the people that I wasted my time on. So pissed. Sometimes, I wish I was in a different realm away from them but nope.. They will always be there. I have no choice but to deal with.

Count to five and JUMP.. Freeeeeedom of mind

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Sometimes

Sometimes I forget all the good that I do for people.
And some even take me for granted or better yet, leave me.
I might have shown my weak side to all of you, but that doesn't make me weak as an overall.
So tell me once you've disposed of the thoughts that I need people like you, (People that I show my vulnerable side to) because believe it or not.. I will get rid of you from my worries and pain that easily.
Its not because I am egocentric and self-centered, which I am but because you chose to see me as someone who needed you so badly that I'd actually die without you.
Im sorry.. I will always remember all that you did for me. How much I changed for the best of our friendship.
But if you just see it in your perspective, your own worldly perspective. So be it.
Im too sad and been beaten up too long. I kept quiet for too long. I dont wish to correct anything anymore.

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Kill me

Im
Judgemental
Fake
And
Pretentious

Okay i need therapy now.

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Sickest shit

Close your eyes, Numb your pain

Feel your worries melt away

Lay yourself down, treat yourself kind

Take the stress off your mind

Let nothing get in the way of what you want

In your dreams, are what lies in your heart

Or mind

Beat 

Up

Slapped

Down

Fear 

Not

Happiness

Comes

Where

you

Least

Expect it.

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Fill it up

Whatever you read might sound like excuses for myself but just...

I can see the look in people's eyes, the look that tells me "yes, this person really wants to help me." Sometimes I give into them, sometimes I dont.

I have been arrogant I have been ignorant,  ....  I still am. I honestly dont know why I am the way I am. It could be because I was pampered alot. But for the people I care, I wish to change in the best way I can.

I am incredibly unbelievable.

Despite the preachings, teachings, scoldings, hittings, I have not learnt. Understand that all this should not affect you.

You all may have achieved the level of maturity. But I havent, I probably have a longer way to go. But trust you all will be a form of guidance through memories, quality time spent together.
I try to carry everything with me till I die.

And I have a difficulty of showing the same kind of care all of you show me, I always feel like I dont deserve it. When its there, i push it. When its not, i search. And when its there again, i push it away.

To the same person, who shared with me how they cant show love through actions. You have done it! Ask yourself why??? You all showed me kindness. You are the better person. Know that Im thankful for the help. I apologise for not showing it through my action. It is a weakness of mine.

I havent learn anything despite the many rounds of torturing myself with thoughts, assumptions of what bad could happen instead of having faith and patience in a relationship that may have a good outcome of it.

Forgive yourself now for the ties you broke because you were hurting them or because you only cared about yourself.

Remind myself, 'you are not perfect therefore, stay humble and all of us are humans, whether stronger or weaker... See every one as an equal and sure enough you will start to listen and establish the right link with people who impacted u so much to point you are achieving so much at this point'

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Content

Sometimes.. Okay Most of the time, I laugh too hard at my own jokes.

People who laugh together with me are very sweet. Cuz I know they dont think its funny, they're just being really cutie nicey people to not make me feel awkward. And I love them all.

I was telling my bf a really funny joke ytd and I expected her to be at least amused but she was expressionless.

Not everyone will please you la.. If she doesnt laugh, then she doesnt laugh.

And Im a happy camel.

"Build a bridge and GET OVER IT"

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Bottleneck

I know it can be hard for a lot of people to open up simply because they do not want to get hurt. Then, they forever stay in their own comfort zones, totally adamant about wanting to know what lies on the outside.

But you know, these kind of people actually make people like us, the people who constantly have to express themselves by opening up to the world, feel absolutely stupid about themselves. It is very frustrating and not forgetting, unfair because people like us want to believe that by opening up we are actually assuring the receivers that we're not gonna hurt nobody. Problem is, the introverts that we open up to do not reciprocate the same gesture.
Then next step: should we totally move away from these people or should we give them more time.
(PS: time is earth's scarce resource. time is limited and therefore precious)

For me, I am the most impatient brat in the entire universe and when I feel that people don't reciprocate, I walk away.It's what I've been doing but recently, there's been a twist in the way my life normally works. I'm actually changing myself to tune in to these people, which is really painful for me. Because despite the fact that I'm insensitive towards them, I ask myself, have they actually thought about my situation?
My selfish, impusive, willing-to-put-it-out-there kind of personality that gets rejected almost all the time because either I fail to impress people or my attitude is simply atrocious. It's not easy and why the fuck do I have to apologise all the time?
Reality check: people like me, we exist, we really do, deal with it.

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Was it worth it?

Was it worth it, wasting your whole life, impressing the people around you but yourself?

The posts for the next couple of months here will be fucking boring, depressing and demoralising so, just letting know whoever reads this fucking fucked up blog to give it a break first. While I get my shit together.

~~~~~Now you can wait your whole life wondering

When it's gonna come or where it's been.

You may have got your heart broken

A few times in the past

Never last strong as it used to,

Don't feel as good as it used to (before)

And all the things you used to say,

Things you used to do, went right out the door

Oh no more, will you be the one

That's what you tell everyone around you

But you know they've heard it all before

What more can you say

When love won't let you, walk away

And you can't help who you love

And you find yourself giving it away

When you think you're in love~~~~~

Your friends are telling you to move on. Your family's telling you to work. 

But you head's only stubborn to only listen to one fucking voice. The 'him' is sick and tired. Girl, why can't you accept that? 

Heart needs fixing before the brain gets to work.

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Something hit me today

A fren told me today.. Without even me having to complain about anything.
When you cling too tightly onto something, you either kill it or it kills you.. So thats why when you love something, you let it go and if it comes back, its meant to be but if it doesnt then it only means that there is something more meant-to-be for you out there.

And its true. Its has to be.

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20 April 2014

My Birthday today is a blessing.
For the couple of days, I've been stressed out cuz my mum was giving me the silent treatment though I'm not so sure why she did it.
Anyways, she started talking to me again and I feel a whole lot better now...
Even though it was through a text message

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Results

For the past couple of days, I had alot of thoughts about my future.

After receiving the lousy results, despite my proactive strategies in ensuring I dont get below 3 again for sem 2, I realise I have neglected my studies and haven't really gone deep into what my course is all about.

Learning to love it is one thing but ensuring I ace every single assignment is the hard part. Im cracking my brains over how I can do better year 2 of my course, which is going to be alot more harder. And honestly, first year was quite a struggle for me.

I just feel myself falling down deeper into a hole or a canal. And I wont come out at all. I gotta push my boundaries. Its going to be hard. And thats why I need a plan. But where to start? How do I actually plan for a success..

I really wanna do well in this shit. Cuz I wanna make em proud. They've spent so much money on me. I just feel so diaappointed in myself. Howw could I just waste my parent's money like that.

I have to make it this time. Since, I didnt the first time.

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To a new beginning.

And put an end to all my bullcraps I've done from the past up till now. Dont judge me, you can only perceive LOL LAMEEE

While I was at work today, my boss, JB, he gave a really good talk. He kept saying how time is human's limited resource on this earth. He emphasized how everything you do in life should have a purpose to yourself but mostly benefitting the community. Because he always believed in the practice of reciporocity, hence he gives when he is able to, of course, priorities first: family, closest friends and then the community, he spends most of his free time giving rather than receive and expecting.

So while you're in any moment, doing your work, singing, dancing, doing chores, you better live in the moment and make the best out of it. Cuz at the end of the day, whether you succeed or not, you know you've done your best and believe me, no matter what you do, you just want to feel accomplished.

I'm sure many of us, we ought to admit that we are too hard on ourselves sometimes.
Hence it brought JB to bring about a point which is not new at all (being reminded countless of times) and it is to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is not about pampering and all that shit. To love yourself means you take responsibilty of your own well-being. Ensure you eat well, sleep well and manage all things well in health, mentally and physically.

Money is a medium of exchange, everyone can understand this rite? Money, it doesnt belong to anyone, it comes and goes, benefitting or even bringing about loss.

Now, he mentioned that, plus he also mentioned that knowledge does not mean power. In fact, knowledge is totally worthless if not put into practice or shared with your closest people in your life or at least, those who want to learn. And there'll definitely be no progress if knowledge is not put into practice.p

Sigh I sound so old. But hey! Its knowledge isn't it, if it can help a reader out there WHY NOT. I'll be a hundred year old woman, if u want me to. Just allow me to get the point across to all of you.

Thus, JB teaches me to continuously, exercise our brains because we human beings are not perfect, not robots, we need to be thinking all the time. Thus, it helps us to think to innovative new ideas and methods to solve whatever shit.

In the world, communication- choice of words, tone, language and how you put a point acrosss to people is very important. Cuz most of the time, conflicts, problems occur due to communication lag and we really need to learn to communicate effectively to different types of listeners/receivers.

Lastly, he said, you can never change another person even if he/she is the worst villain. No matter how much you try, the most you can do is just influence them. What's possible to change is for yourself. Only YOU can change yourself. Whether the friends around are kind enough to tell you where you went wrong but most of the time, you're all alone.

The people in your life might leave but the memories last forever, so whatever life-changing experiences you might have, hold tight onto them and always remember them as you take your steps ahead in the future.

Love Syazana :)

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Work

How's Work? It was okay... Admin work's really a bore. There's nothing interesting about the work but, my boss has a really sweet smile!

But working in the same place with my mum, I just feel so restricted and watched over. Likka bird in a cage, or worse, Princess Fiona.

Its been two days since I got a threat-like message from my dad. And not only that, my dad's been super strict since then. I dont think I can do much. I just wish I had a little privacy in my life. They want to know everything. I really hate that. I dont know why.

Please help me God. Give me strength please.. I just feel so down the two days. Even when Im smiling, it is for the people around me, I cant ruin their day or mood.

I just need a little something to lift my spirits up.. Im being too petty.

baby I was wrong, I didnt inform them when I went out. But I just dont like telling them.. Am I wrong?

What us wrong with me?

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I hate birthdays

Every birthday reminds me that I was brought into this damned life.
Im angry. Pissed. Fed up. Just when I thought I earned the trust from my parents. They do it again. Making me feel like Im some kid. Im really tired of being the eldest. They use it as a reason to scold me everytime.. The way Im ranting right now shows how immature I am. But seriously, what's it take to gain trust from them??
"Who do you think you are ?
Don't take advantage  of the leniency that we show you.
Don't abuse the freedom that we give you.
And most of all don't test our patience.
If you stubbornly refuse to change your ways we have no choice but to revoke the priveleges that you have.  
We mean it.
So be warned."
I can't even be bothered to write it in my way. I just wanna remember how much it hurts. How much it hurts? Because every time when I feel like they have trusted me, I'm wrong. I'm always wrong. And tell me, how am I supposed to just plunge in and just do what I can to please them when I don't even know why I gotta do that.
Okay fine, you carried me for 9 months, provide food, water, shelter, education, clothes, money, entertainment, everything a normal child should have. I'm just spoiled. Is that it??
I'm just very embarassed to be their daughter. I can't be what they want me to be. I hate listening to what they tell me to do. Cuz honestly, they dont listen to me. They gimme what they feel it is right. LISTEN!!! CUZ NOT ALL I SAY IS RUBBISH. ahhh forget it
FUCK IT
DONT LISTEN TO ME OKAY. YOU ALL ARE RIGHT.. I dont know why nobody would listen to me. Because I'm really not spoilt, egocentric. Im really not :'(

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Let Go

Like gravity, it pulls me back down to earth every time I float to the clouds above with the fairy. But unlike gravity, it leaves me there alone on earth.
And Im constanly being reminded that Im in fact all alone. And the only person that can keep me breathing is myself. I am my own oxygen. Right now, I have no idea how sufficient am I in keeping myself positively holding on to my only faith. 
The only one I can turn to is Allah. For he had brought me to this earth with a purpose (unknown for now). He is the reason for whatever happens and its him i ask for strength and courage to carry one.
The people in my lives are just helpers along the way. Though I constantly wished to be with the fairy for my entire life. It is only a fantasy in the clouds above which gravity, the only one that can pull me back down. Earth is where I belong.
HAHA
#steven-price-gravity-inspired

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Guilt Or Whatever You Call This Discomforting Feeling

So....
I have a problem.
I cant seem to accept gift or presents from friends, relative, aunts/uncles or whoever without feeling this weird feeling. Its the same feeling I get when I do something wrong. Like as if it is so wrong to accept a gift from someone you know.

When I was younger, they told me not to accept things from stragers. I remembered there was a time a lady offered me a sweet in the lift while my caregiver was beside me. I remebered that my heart pounded so hard and it raced like no one's business. What the hell is wrong with me?

Okay You all should I'm a paranoid human being living on this face planet earth. And even in this kind of situations, I freak out as if I just lost a cat or something.

I need to learn to give myself a break. My parents have always taught me to be thankful and appreciative of what life has to offer.
And my teacher also said to me that it's rude to not accept a person's gift. Even if you feel like you didn't deserve it, the fact that the person stil thought about you is something to be greatful about.
Even with a heavy heart, I should accept their gifts no matter what.

That way, you show that you respect them and are thankful for what they have done. And not to forget, you only earn the respect from people, when you learn to show a little respect first to the others.

Love

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