I'm recounting an incident that happened two days ago. It was something familliar that I experienced with myself. So for readers out there, if you can relate, you're not alone. I'm not alone. I know, I'm not.
Lecture theatre, those big huge cold halls filled with escalated rows of seat and desks that are to be filled with students. The lecturer comes in, introducing herself, talking to everyone. I mean, all that shouldn't scare you yet. Wait till, it gets dark, and the lecturer walks up the rows and her topics gets too intense, and everyone's just jotting down notes, and you're just sitting there, worrying. Negative thoughts about making sure you understand every word she is trying to say.
Okay firstly, it's fucking embarrassing to write my thoughts out here, but please don't judge, I'm just trying to figure out why the incident happened by jotting down all of my thoughts here.
I was anxious about I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT! My heart started racing, my lungs felt like they were being squeezed so tightly. My palms started to sweat and all I could think of was why the lecturer kept coming close to my seat.
I felt so claustrophobic and a rush of emotions overwhelmed me. Before I knew it, I started to tear so hard, then I tried regulating my emotions by fiddling with my rubber band. I felt like I had to escape and run away where no one could see me. It was all so embarrassing. Cold sweat and worn out like I just ran was what I felt after I left the Lecture theatre. I wanted to die literally. I DID NOT.
By the next lesson, I felt so sad, so disappointed that I wasn't behaving the normal chilled I-don't-give-a-damn way that I could be. When I looked around the class, everyone looked drained, tired, absolutely fine. I just kept tearing because my heart was still racing. I did not understand why I felt that way. I felt very anxious.
I'm blaming the coffee. But it was meant to wake myself up. Not make me go crazy.
For moments like this where I felt absolutely no control over my freak-outs. These are when I really hate myself and shut down. But because I was in the midst of lessons, with my friends there,I had to pull though. I had to. I couldn't run.
I had to calm myself down whatever way possible so I got out of the class, I balled my eyes out. Cried all my heart out but shit, it made no difference.
Nothing helped. I had no control. I was scared, fucking scared. I got back in and with my puffy eyes, just stared at anything that could distract me from the discomfort I was feeling.
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