My Cold Meal

I was holding back on buying my favourite food. Today, I finally bought it and it didn't taste like how it used to make me feel. It's weird because, if I were to binge, I wouldn't care what the food taste like. So could it mean that the "favourite food" I've been going to, to feel satisfied after eating may NOT actually taste as good? 

im so confused

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Going back

I dont intend to depend on others apart from myself but it seems like I can't do this. Maybe I want it easy, and probably that is why I dont deserve it. I'm afraid to go back. I'm afraid to feel trapped in a place I don't belong. Gotta earn a decent amount to put my parent's worries at bay. How do I libe like this? Society does a really good job at making me feel and look like a bum.

O my god, I cant believe I'm still here. Oh my god. This is truly heart wrenching. Very very painful. I can't push myself to do anything that will make me a better person than I was yesterday.

I can't do this. Oh my god, this is not going to be smooth sailing. Maybe I should also plan for my death. I can't live in covid times. This was hard. This is harder. Plus I wreck myself at any chance that I can get.

Why am I reasoning. Why am I reasoning. It shall be a secret one day. no ome will know. not even me. just close my eyes n it will all be over.

Im pretty sure I was cursed w this life.

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Accept it

Why does it still feel like everything i do for ppl is for nothing. haha

i expect too much. i expect too much from the impossible.

that people dun ever do fall in love with u(me). the narcisstic me wans ppl to fall in love with me. 

bahaha who gave me such an authority to feel that way. it REDONKULOUS.

well, i hurt people. cos i think they dont know how badly i feel on the inside. and even if they do, it doesnt change how i express love to people. 

it doesnt matter my story. i am who i am right now, n i still dont know how im gonna change. 

cos change is hard, especially when ur a 100% uncertain of how you'll be able to deal with the things that come after.

people are habitual. me incredibly more so to a point, its almost abnormal to tweak a little.

these are not reasons. these are words. an expression of total lack of control for what comes next.

my need for searching for a new therapist died in my hands. and i washed it down the sink to the ocean where it belongs. cos it shall not be a need but a want. i want to want to go for therapy.

till then i'll try to be friends with my condition. i promised to be better. i will get better. eventually.

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Hallucinated

Maybe all I been doing is hallucinating. Tell me how Im supposed to feel.

I dont feel like I belong anywhere. Not even here at home. I feel like a thief living in my own home. And most of the times I surrender to those feelings cos they never seem to be wrong.

I cant remember the time I had it all under control. Despite behaving like a control freak 24/7 and yet nothing I do is well within my control. Impulsivity is not control. When has it ever been a control. 

I cant talk to anyone. because there isnt anyone to talk to.

Goodbye world. Till we never meet again.

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I missed Me

 Help

Omg I am stopping all these biblical posts I have been typing.

There is nothing wise in an empty-minded, lost soul like me. And that is okay. What's not okay is people telling me I shouldn't be okay. Because I should be chasing after things a normal person should. I will be the experiment for success. I will try everything and if I dont make it, that is all my life is for.

Will I be able to pull through what I just typed out above, or will I chicken out, like all the rest of the times I've chickened out. Can I stop chickening. It oh so sickening.

I wanna be part of disney. I wanna be part of cw series. I wanna be part of the things I love. When will my wishes come true?

When will I be happy? When will I stop yearning? I am crying, I am on my knees, I have no more hope that there is anything else that could make me happy. I wanna be happy with me.

I want to not depend on anyone but me.

Will you not grant me that?

Will you not grant these simple wishes of mine?

Or am I just not good enough?

Give me a sign so I know where the fuck I should put my heart at? Cos these tears are falling and I'm in the same single spot I was from the start.

Is no one there?

Am I left with me?

Then, please grant them. Don't leave me here... living. The least you could do is take away my pulse.

Every puff I take from my inhaler is a wish that it won't work, and that I would die. But I'm still alive, struggling to breathe, but with a pulse indeed.

Is no one there, Am I left with me.

Grant me my last wishes. Or end me please.

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Life stings

I know I shouldnt be the one crying cos I dont have it worst. But all I ever do is cry. And when I dont cry, Im upset about literally everything. Honestly, I dont even think it's even possible for me to be satisfied at all. 

But it hurts to breathe. I hate it here. Why am I like this. Its oh so sickening. Whats pretty that I could look forward to? Things that distract me need money. And people, they all just think about themselves.

Its the same narration every single day. I know it bores all you readers out there but it doesnt make them all any less true.

The skin underneathe my eye hurts cos I've been vigorously wiping my tears away so no one would fucking watch. But yeah, the skin stings right about now. Not as much as life though. 

I wish there were 2 of me so the other me could shield me when Im crying or just simply take over when Im down. omg, what is wrong with me..

I hate it here. i really do.

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God, Im ready to go to hell

Redemption is hard.

I hate having to do good things.

Can I go back to hell now

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Losing

I am the kind of person who hates losing. But not much in games although I love putting out a good game and being a bad sport and wailing every single time that I would lose.

But do you know one thing I cant lose.

People. I. Love.

For some reason, the universe just decides to surround me with people who deeply love me but at the same time just hate the thought of breathing or existing.

I mean sure, it started with Dad.

I mean it sure did.

And then now, a true friend.

I remembered when I was so little when Dad seemed so nice and kind. He would do with us things that made us happy. And then the next moment he talks about leaving us. for good.

I never understood it. In fact, I always believed that it was all fake. But when he brings back those happy memories again, you would think, "But hey! this moment doesnt feel fake at all. In fact, Im on cloud nine with my Dad. nothing else matters." And then, it throws you back down on the ground and sometimes, beneathe the ground, depending on the impact of every fall thats forced upon me. Like a shuttlecock, smacked down on the opponent's side of the court.

Lockdown.

Lockdown, was when everything reversed. And the kid who cld see past all those crap. basically just couldnt see past them anymore. And I dont know why.

But you know, I'll still be here, just trynna make sure everyone's still here. where else would I be without my fear of losing.

I know how this entry along with a the other entries is again, "Victimising" and question, on everyone's head is am I truly the victim, when Im not the one living with clinical depression?

Im probably not. Maybe Im a fucking bad narcissistic child that just thinks about herself, her happiness, her freedom. Maybe. But at the same time the reason I may be having a lack of a freedom is I cage myself with these repetitive thoughts, which EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE TRUE serves no fucking purpose in moving on with life, as how a normal mutherfucking Tom, Dick or Harry would.

So yes, sure, it sucks. Sure it pulls you down to the ground, pins you however way it wants to, you just gotta slave your way through it. Cos as much as the book likes to talk about the freedom of will that we humans have, we're all enslaved to this place called, life.

And let us all just fucking try to live with it.

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Therapy

 

"Our worries are our 'Circle of Concern.' 

Our influence over those concerns - our 'Circle of Influence.' 

If you are worried about a test, then you shouldn’t waste time worrying about what is on the test, because you cannot control that (circle of concern). 

However, you can control how much you study for the test. (circle of influence)"

So with respect to this. My current situation now is ensuring everyone around me is safe and alive. 

Wow okay, I can do this.. I cant control how people want to take care of themselves but I can control how I want to assure them. 

What if I do it excessively?

Are you doing it excessively?

I don't know, do they think I'm doing it excessively.

How will you try to retrieve this information from them? By asking them?

How do you know if they're telling the truth?

I won't.

So then will you be able to know whether you're doing it excessively?

Perhaps when, they start to drift away by deciding not to share anything with me because I overact over almost everything.

Do you overact to everything people tell you?

I think I do, but I also feel like I react moderately to big issues and excessively to small issues. Because to me, if a person decides to share something big to me, its probably because they're really troubled by it and they really need help so if I were to react excessively, it would make them panic even more. But if they were to share only small things, I would think they dont feel like Im a good company and hence they cant share with me even if they wanted to and that makes me feel bad and so I react excessively so they know that I do care. But somehow, this sorta thinking is not serving me how it should serve me in a conversation with people.

Hmm this is where we're at a dead end.

Cause to me, I know if I do things differently, then it would make me feel unsafe. But maybe that's exacty what I need to do. 

So bring back what you have just told me earlier on and let's try your method of doing things differently.

Alright.. So instead of me reacting big to the small issues, maybe reacting big to big issues and small to small issues. So then the person would feel like they're being taken seriously. because sharing big things usually requires courage and if a reaction not big enough is displayed to the person, it would make the person feel like their issues are being thrown one side or are being generalized/dismissed as a typical thing. 

Hence, this is probably why people think you make their problems feel unimportant or insignificant when in actual fact, they doing the opposite effect on you, which is that you worry for them, catastrophize yada yada. It could also be that you fear being vulnerable to that person hence not truly expressing it at that moment would potentially scar the person.

Are you bringing yourself down when you constantly think about what people have said about you?

I don't think so because I feel like if I could take what they say into consideration it shows the effort to want to work on myself. But I'm very wary about who decides to tell me about my areas of improvement. I feel the safest with friends but if an acquaintance were to tell me those kinds of stuff, It would make me feel uncomfortable and think am I that easy to read. And then I blame myself for oversharing when oversharing initially begins from wanting to make everyone else feel comfortable. Everyone but me because I am literally giving them a token to judge me.

So then you feel like other people's comfort goes before your own needs to feeling comfortable? How has that served you so far?

It has basically made me feel like people could get bored of me because they have all the stupid information about me, even those they probably didn't ask for, and that would honestly make me feel like a hoe who doesn't respect herself enough to wait for questions before unraveling about me.

iT'S almost as if I'm trying so hard for people not to have the wrong image of me from the very beginning and at any one point when they start to stray from that image, it would make me feel exasperated because I would literally sell my entire journal to people in order for them not to think shit of me.

Or maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'm just a shit person. Going south again, Catch myself.

Catch myself.

The reason why Im trying so hard to perfect my communication skills is that I want to be able to control my social anxiety and not have it control me. And somehow, it always wins.

Why do you feel like social anxiety always wins?

Isn't it obvious? I communicate about me even when I don't want to so others would feel safe. If that's not fear of being judged, I dont know what is.

I'm feeling worn out already. Is it okay if we take a break. 

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

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Nobody

Why dont ppl want me man?

I nearly thought I finally found help. like Help legitimately found me. 

Dreamt of my ex trainer. And I dreamnt that I was making her laugh. like it was so effortless. And it made me feel all so relieved. Because to be honest despite the shitty working environment, she was a friend to me at some point. I cant brush it aside. Its why Im bad. Its cos I just cant stay for anyone. If I gotta leave, thats exactly what I gotta do.

Its difficult to make anyone see where Im coming from. And it just comes off as ungrateful or self sabotagery, both of which doesnt sit well with why I left. And then you could also argue the fact that my huge ego is preventing me from admitting it. And Im not gonna lie, I did consider this point. But Im typing this now at 6am, awake from a dream I had of making her laugh. And I can tell you, its not the ego man. but whatever.

Im learning slowly to stop explaining myself and let people just think whatever they want. Because before I met my best friend, who taught me to be vocal and to speak up for myself, I always believed from young that I dont gotta constantly defend myself if I've already said my truth. Cos even if people create fucking fake news about me, the truth never changes. Thats what I always believed back when I thought God was around. And that was why every time I felt so misunderstood by people, after trying once or thrice, I just let it fucking be. lmfao. And trust me the first, second and third time I was explaining myself, I tried every way for people to get it. But, they just dont.

My heart feels broken and it's never even been in a relationship. HAHA Happy advanced fucking valentines to me Man. 

Life sucks.

Yours Truly,

Death. 

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Make Believe Poverty

Day 1 of pretending I have no money. But its true I really dont. Im living off bread and spread and whatever's in the fridge. But for some odd reason, I really dont feel like eating anything... like AT ALL. But these hunger pangs are making it so hard to do anything. 

Water tastes bitter. Food fills me up real quick even before I could finish my meal. But then the pangs come back. ITS just so weird that I get so much pangs. when im not emotionally hungry for food. Like, is there a way that I cld numb the pangs. I tried water, But they fill me up a weird way. Im taking sips of it. To kinda distract the pangs.

Frankly, Im not ready to move forward. Im being forced to get a job when Im not ready to go back to doing jobs. Yall dont get it. ISTG if one more human being dismisses my opinions about this, Imma flip.

No, no its not fair. Its not fair I have to do this all on my own. ITS JUST FUCKING UNFAIR. But who the fuck gives a shit. 

Fuck yall.

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Beningging

In the beningging of that 2 sec, all was good.

and then the thoughts didnt waste time about coming in and waking me up all from it.

cos 2 sec was all i was allowed. like a momentary relapse i temporarily escaped from, only to relapse any way by the emd of 2 seconds.

if love was a 2 way street, why am i the only one in Two Seconds Street. 

I didn't ask for it. I fought so hard just to regularly coming back to feeling lost. And no one else was competing in this with me. 

My chest feels all so heavy than it already is. My back gives way a thousand times, and Im questioning if it has truly manifested in a physical way.

The transparency of my emotions to me isn't a way to release but rather to escape from it. Though deep down I kmow it doesnt. 

So 2 seconds, and everyrhing else that felt important, has only made me feel its important. 

I dont know what im typing because my brain is on lock.

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I forgot my Earpiece

Title explains why Im here. Erm, I feel like I have a whole bundle of bad years just adding up to each other as I transit from 1 year to the next. I feel incredibly demotivated, extremely dead and since the moment I was brought to this world, I was meant to cease my existance.

To be honest, I feel like everyone around me is lying. About how they're doing. But back to me, I really dont wish to live anymore. How do people get up from bed. The only reason why I got up was because my room doesnt have any curtains and I hate the sun. its just so bright, and warm and bright. The sun pisses me off alot of times. 

But you know whats worse than the sun? Having to breathe, having to realise you still have a pulse despite how clogged your arteries are due to the lack of fucks given to one's diet. And yeah Im talking about my arteries. I mean what is the point of feeling so damn fucking hungry and still look fat every single day.

I cant accept my body because it's a disease. It is an unhealthy body type that should cease to exist but somehow, hey there Im here. still here. still. fucking. here.

The world should have ended. And if it doesnt, the thousands of times I dont look before crossing the road should have fucking killed me. And yeah, Im fucking brazen about this, cos no one GIVES A FUCK when they mindlessly say they wanna die. I get to be fucking brazen and vocal about it here even though Im a fucking coward, and honestly the only courage I ever need is the courage to end me. BUT BUT i get to be vocal here WHY WHY because I always try so damn hard not to say I want to die. just to make people feel less like me and more like them. Its annoying.

Its annoying cos number: 1 I cant do it at home. I have a fucking dad who has major depressive disorder and a mum who is prone to getting stroke. I cant do it outside cos hello? nobody likes Negative Nancy. So fuck yall. Fuck all of you, I would be eternally grateful if someone puts rat poison in my drink. but nooooooo.. "you cant die before me." No YOU CANT DIE BEFORE ME. What, you get to rub it in my face. WHAT? WHAT IS SO FUCKING AMAZING ABOUT DYING BEFORE ME.

Literally, death will make me happy. just death. 

And I know for all you readers out there reading this. You must be thinking, wtf this ungrateful bitch. 

Yes, Im ungrateful for breathing. Im ungrateful for it. Punish me, end me.

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