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Just yesterday I was just telling myself that life cannot get any worse than this and it literally does. I'm addicted to Ku lo sa, WHAT HOW HOW ITS SO ENCHANTING. makes my heart sway. eeek stop typing likka kid. you are a grown child. woman-child. I am exhausted. Finding purpose on this planet.

Hoping to meet someone like James Franco. A fatty can only drool. Im not complaining; I'm sick of life. For reals, I'm searching for a will. and people are my enemy. all of them. God, why here, why put me here. why couldnt I have been an alien on another planet. 

I'm typing this and my mind is thinking of going to the beach. 13mins away. but it will be depressing. to go there and look at the sea that doesn''t take me anywhere. 

I've turned insomniac, friggin insomnia. Hypersomnia Insomnia, kill me now. Revising memories I was alone as a child. and I think I was a depressed as a child just maybe in the closet- being alone, in my PJs watching cartoon in the living room for hours. the thrill-est snack was banana and ice. I have no idea. I was addicted to ice. it was so cold. I'd put it in my mouth and everything felt calm.

I fought a lot of battles in school on my own. I fought it brave cos I knew at the end of the day I had the home to return to. My parents came back from work at night. Very typical. I was safe in the living room. Started developing categories in my heads for typical behaviour types and who likely to own it. I survived ruminating these in my head. Every day, in and out. And once in a while, in the blue, people who are inspirational would step in. And I displayed acts of service. I was always for them. Sometimes, it doesnt even hurt when they dont see them.

I grew and wanted to feel seen. But I knew I couldnt handle the pressure. But it was always nice to feel seen. Not all the time, just when you are expressing love. because I learnt to express it to the best of my knowledge. Fast forward to my twenties. and I still have difficulty expressing. Yap and yap but yap is all I got. How do I know how to be safe being vulnerable or authentic. Struggle with that. Cant find anyone worth it. I intensify thoughts of being second hand goods. 

Health- cysts. I didnt ask for this. I knew there was something wrong with me. My parents knew something was wrong. Why didnt anyone send me to see a doctor. Or help me with it. Why was my childhood rushed to give them the returns of the upbringing. I can weep about this all day, no one is going to acknowledge whatever was done to me. It is easier to put the blame all onto me self. but that would mean that I could and got to fix it. and yet I cant. 

it's my down day. Im tired of being in this predicament. Should I be thankful of where I am today. Yes, because there are people suffering out there. 

I hate putting my mind through everything. Yet I gotta battle with my own head that I was brave to decide to go through with it. The stupidity that cant be shamed. UTMOST Annoying.