Results

For the past couple of days, I had alot of thoughts about my future.

After receiving the lousy results, despite my proactive strategies in ensuring I dont get below 3 again for sem 2, I realise I have neglected my studies and haven't really gone deep into what my course is all about.

Learning to love it is one thing but ensuring I ace every single assignment is the hard part. Im cracking my brains over how I can do better year 2 of my course, which is going to be alot more harder. And honestly, first year was quite a struggle for me.

I just feel myself falling down deeper into a hole or a canal. And I wont come out at all. I gotta push my boundaries. Its going to be hard. And thats why I need a plan. But where to start? How do I actually plan for a success..

I really wanna do well in this shit. Cuz I wanna make em proud. They've spent so much money on me. I just feel so diaappointed in myself. Howw could I just waste my parent's money like that.

I have to make it this time. Since, I didnt the first time.

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To a new beginning.

And put an end to all my bullcraps I've done from the past up till now. Dont judge me, you can only perceive LOL LAMEEE

While I was at work today, my boss, JB, he gave a really good talk. He kept saying how time is human's limited resource on this earth. He emphasized how everything you do in life should have a purpose to yourself but mostly benefitting the community. Because he always believed in the practice of reciporocity, hence he gives when he is able to, of course, priorities first: family, closest friends and then the community, he spends most of his free time giving rather than receive and expecting.

So while you're in any moment, doing your work, singing, dancing, doing chores, you better live in the moment and make the best out of it. Cuz at the end of the day, whether you succeed or not, you know you've done your best and believe me, no matter what you do, you just want to feel accomplished.

I'm sure many of us, we ought to admit that we are too hard on ourselves sometimes.
Hence it brought JB to bring about a point which is not new at all (being reminded countless of times) and it is to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is not about pampering and all that shit. To love yourself means you take responsibilty of your own well-being. Ensure you eat well, sleep well and manage all things well in health, mentally and physically.

Money is a medium of exchange, everyone can understand this rite? Money, it doesnt belong to anyone, it comes and goes, benefitting or even bringing about loss.

Now, he mentioned that, plus he also mentioned that knowledge does not mean power. In fact, knowledge is totally worthless if not put into practice or shared with your closest people in your life or at least, those who want to learn. And there'll definitely be no progress if knowledge is not put into practice.p

Sigh I sound so old. But hey! Its knowledge isn't it, if it can help a reader out there WHY NOT. I'll be a hundred year old woman, if u want me to. Just allow me to get the point across to all of you.

Thus, JB teaches me to continuously, exercise our brains because we human beings are not perfect, not robots, we need to be thinking all the time. Thus, it helps us to think to innovative new ideas and methods to solve whatever shit.

In the world, communication- choice of words, tone, language and how you put a point acrosss to people is very important. Cuz most of the time, conflicts, problems occur due to communication lag and we really need to learn to communicate effectively to different types of listeners/receivers.

Lastly, he said, you can never change another person even if he/she is the worst villain. No matter how much you try, the most you can do is just influence them. What's possible to change is for yourself. Only YOU can change yourself. Whether the friends around are kind enough to tell you where you went wrong but most of the time, you're all alone.

The people in your life might leave but the memories last forever, so whatever life-changing experiences you might have, hold tight onto them and always remember them as you take your steps ahead in the future.

Love Syazana :)

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Work

How's Work? It was okay... Admin work's really a bore. There's nothing interesting about the work but, my boss has a really sweet smile!

But working in the same place with my mum, I just feel so restricted and watched over. Likka bird in a cage, or worse, Princess Fiona.

Its been two days since I got a threat-like message from my dad. And not only that, my dad's been super strict since then. I dont think I can do much. I just wish I had a little privacy in my life. They want to know everything. I really hate that. I dont know why.

Please help me God. Give me strength please.. I just feel so down the two days. Even when Im smiling, it is for the people around me, I cant ruin their day or mood.

I just need a little something to lift my spirits up.. Im being too petty.

baby I was wrong, I didnt inform them when I went out. But I just dont like telling them.. Am I wrong?

What us wrong with me?

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I hate birthdays

Every birthday reminds me that I was brought into this damned life.
Im angry. Pissed. Fed up. Just when I thought I earned the trust from my parents. They do it again. Making me feel like Im some kid. Im really tired of being the eldest. They use it as a reason to scold me everytime.. The way Im ranting right now shows how immature I am. But seriously, what's it take to gain trust from them??
"Who do you think you are ?
Don't take advantage  of the leniency that we show you.
Don't abuse the freedom that we give you.
And most of all don't test our patience.
If you stubbornly refuse to change your ways we have no choice but to revoke the priveleges that you have.  
We mean it.
So be warned."
I can't even be bothered to write it in my way. I just wanna remember how much it hurts. How much it hurts? Because every time when I feel like they have trusted me, I'm wrong. I'm always wrong. And tell me, how am I supposed to just plunge in and just do what I can to please them when I don't even know why I gotta do that.
Okay fine, you carried me for 9 months, provide food, water, shelter, education, clothes, money, entertainment, everything a normal child should have. I'm just spoiled. Is that it??
I'm just very embarassed to be their daughter. I can't be what they want me to be. I hate listening to what they tell me to do. Cuz honestly, they dont listen to me. They gimme what they feel it is right. LISTEN!!! CUZ NOT ALL I SAY IS RUBBISH. ahhh forget it
FUCK IT
DONT LISTEN TO ME OKAY. YOU ALL ARE RIGHT.. I dont know why nobody would listen to me. Because I'm really not spoilt, egocentric. Im really not :'(

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Let Go

Like gravity, it pulls me back down to earth every time I float to the clouds above with the fairy. But unlike gravity, it leaves me there alone on earth.
And Im constanly being reminded that Im in fact all alone. And the only person that can keep me breathing is myself. I am my own oxygen. Right now, I have no idea how sufficient am I in keeping myself positively holding on to my only faith. 
The only one I can turn to is Allah. For he had brought me to this earth with a purpose (unknown for now). He is the reason for whatever happens and its him i ask for strength and courage to carry one.
The people in my lives are just helpers along the way. Though I constantly wished to be with the fairy for my entire life. It is only a fantasy in the clouds above which gravity, the only one that can pull me back down. Earth is where I belong.
HAHA
#steven-price-gravity-inspired

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Guilt Or Whatever You Call This Discomforting Feeling

So....
I have a problem.
I cant seem to accept gift or presents from friends, relative, aunts/uncles or whoever without feeling this weird feeling. Its the same feeling I get when I do something wrong. Like as if it is so wrong to accept a gift from someone you know.

When I was younger, they told me not to accept things from stragers. I remembered there was a time a lady offered me a sweet in the lift while my caregiver was beside me. I remebered that my heart pounded so hard and it raced like no one's business. What the hell is wrong with me?

Okay You all should I'm a paranoid human being living on this face planet earth. And even in this kind of situations, I freak out as if I just lost a cat or something.

I need to learn to give myself a break. My parents have always taught me to be thankful and appreciative of what life has to offer.
And my teacher also said to me that it's rude to not accept a person's gift. Even if you feel like you didn't deserve it, the fact that the person stil thought about you is something to be greatful about.
Even with a heavy heart, I should accept their gifts no matter what.

That way, you show that you respect them and are thankful for what they have done. And not to forget, you only earn the respect from people, when you learn to show a little respect first to the others.

Love

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