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It feels like I'm trapped in this hell that I created. Everything seems to go wrong and the cause of it all is me. I'm losing hope and I'm very much convinced that I will never be able to find true happiness. I'm damaged and I can't be fixed. I think I might have overpowered my self destruction process from which it is now taking control on its own. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to have faith there is good in this world.

My thoughts are black and they're constantly on a roll to remind me of how undeserving I am to be breathing and living here in this world. Like somehow, whatever created me, made a mistake it can't undo and hence, me. It feels like I have a heart, but it's been soaked in black toxified liquid and now is just merely existing in this body that holds the rotting soul of mine. How often do I get to say these things out without being judged or scolded for feeling the way I am feeling.

There are a lot of hurtful words thrown at me nowadays. There is absolutely nothing good that is coming out of my days. Nothing fruitful from whatever things I am doing. I just can't seem to get back to the normal life people live these days. I stare at this screen waiting for an opportunity to knock on my door, only to realise that I have to get my butt up to find it. And I think I don't want to anymore.

Days when I feel like I could just take my life away, I hesitate to think about the consequences it would have on the family. Another part of  me says fuck it, I guess the reason why I'm here typing this shit out is probably because I care about my family. And for no particular reason. From what I can see at this point, they have been of no help to me lately.

I do not wish to be rude or disrespectful. But literally, nothing can help me. So I'm just here using whatever's left of my spirit to help the people around me. And once, everything gone, Im hoping the time will come where I'll finally have the courage to end this pathetic life.