I know people say things like, when no one is there for you, your family will always be. Right now, every single time I hear that, I feel quite suffocated. They're the last place I want to turn to right now. Like seriously. You'd be perfectly happy living in my life, in my home if you're thick skinned and you're the perfect child who makes the right decisions and take responsibilities like a grown adult. Thick skinned because when you think you're your worst enemy, you still have your family who will bring you down with the hurtful words they spit out at you like knives thrown mindlessly at your direction. But to them, it's fine, it's completely normal. It's our culture to be able to accept all of these "teasing". Ahah. Part of why I hate me comes from that. And all of me would grab any opportunity to run away from that hell. But I fail every. single. time. Cos truth is, I ain't got anyone but them.
It really sucks.
So here's what I came up with. Keep them close, but not as close such that they know the slightest move that can mess you up internally. I strongly believe that, because they're family, they're the ones who have the ability to completely destroy you. And I'm talking about your confidence, your identity and your needs. Even in a family, we consist of different strong personality types that are all equally self-centered, myself included. Hence, we lack the ability to use our relationship to support one another emotionally. It's a huge advantage for me if they were, but because they can't, I gotta depend on me. And at the end of the day, I'd have to come to accept that I'm meant to work on myself alone. It's difficult, nothing's easy, how will i ever climb the ladder?
I complain a lot but I hide all my real problems behind these complains. When they're being hidden for too long, they start to shape you, your thinking and eventually you might not even recognise the problem anymore. That's an issue I deal with every. single. time. And I remember that it would get quite depressing as some point in time when I would surrender to the pain and feel numb to it. That period was whack cos I felt like I could do anything. That period, however did not last long. Cos I had friends who would come in once in a while, to slap me back to reality and fight. And I love them. Maybe sometimes too much.
That was when I realised what importance friendship held onto me. I treasured it not in the way everyone in the world would, I went to them only when I wanted to. Pretty much. The rest of my time, I quite appreciate my me time. I actually quite enjoy my relationships with my siblings who I look after since young. But again, not all the time. Me time is important to me. Maybe that makes me self centered, but I do enjoy it and sometimes, I don't. I get lonely too. :]
