But do you know one thing I cant lose.
People. I. Love.
For some reason, the universe just decides to surround me with people who deeply love me but at the same time just hate the thought of breathing or existing.
I mean sure, it started with Dad.
I mean it sure did.
And then now, a true friend.
I remembered when I was so little when Dad seemed so nice and kind. He would do with us things that made us happy. And then the next moment he talks about leaving us. for good.
I never understood it. In fact, I always believed that it was all fake. But when he brings back those happy memories again, you would think, "But hey! this moment doesnt feel fake at all. In fact, Im on cloud nine with my Dad. nothing else matters." And then, it throws you back down on the ground and sometimes, beneathe the ground, depending on the impact of every fall thats forced upon me. Like a shuttlecock, smacked down on the opponent's side of the court.
Lockdown.
Lockdown, was when everything reversed. And the kid who cld see past all those crap. basically just couldnt see past them anymore. And I dont know why.
But you know, I'll still be here, just trynna make sure everyone's still here. where else would I be without my fear of losing.
I know how this entry along with a the other entries is again, "Victimising" and question, on everyone's head is am I truly the victim, when Im not the one living with clinical depression?
Im probably not. Maybe Im a fucking bad narcissistic child that just thinks about herself, her happiness, her freedom. Maybe. But at the same time the reason I may be having a lack of a freedom is I cage myself with these repetitive thoughts, which EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE TRUE serves no fucking purpose in moving on with life, as how a normal mutherfucking Tom, Dick or Harry would.
So yes, sure, it sucks. Sure it pulls you down to the ground, pins you however way it wants to, you just gotta slave your way through it. Cos as much as the book likes to talk about the freedom of will that we humans have, we're all enslaved to this place called, life.
And let us all just fucking try to live with it.
