make me numb kill the pain heal my scars and me sane
I know Im not allowed to say this.
But I fucking love my pills.
I love everything that puts my anxiety down. I love it all.
I seek 3
Hi Syasya, Hi Little Me
Baby, you need to come to terms with the fact that little me never felt love, acceptance, and belonging.
You asked for a thousand and one things, all except for these 3 things. And I'm here to tell you, just like everyone else living and breathing on this earth, You are deserving of it.
It will take time for you to be gentle with yourself and eventually love yourself, but know that wherever life takes you, however, life wants to take you, You are in charge of You. You make the call for how You want to take care of you. And trust me when I say this, If you want to doublecheck with others just in case, you won't fuck something up, chances are, you already are fucking up by checking in with others.
The only validation you need is from yourself. You are worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging.
And it will come from you. You will have you when you can't have anyone or anything else to depend on.
I can't type any more words of affirmation, just trust the process, cause I'm on Prozac, and it's making me doze off. Oh so Help me Universe. Allow me a peaceful sleep.
Just Want to
The quarter of a century is the loneliest phase of all the devastating phases we all go through. Wanting someone to come by my side seems too much to ask of anyone. Days like these makes me think about my childhood a lot. Ouh how I wish I'd never lived through those memories again.
Books captivates like no other but if only the wisdom it holds could easily be transmitted to me. But since the words from a book couldnt aid me in expressing the emotions and thoughts that have been running through my mind, the enormous amount of series that I have watched in hopes to find bliss in knowing why I feel the way I have felt the past few months. And thankfully, Anne the series did it for me.
Anne is a little bit like me. If I could give the same amount of attention to reading, the number of books I would finish reading would be infinite. Nobody believes me. And its fine.
Have you always felt like there is a part of you that you pushed aside not wanting to pay attention to it because it made you weak. That part of me that looked pretty in a white polka dotted red dress with short black hair. The part of me that grew boobs too early and denied the becoming of a woman at first sight of red stain she saw in her undergummies one morning. She then rushed to call her mother to cry to her., only to have Grandma call the next moment telling me to drink raw egg and honey when I never fully understood why. It was for the cramps she say, but I hadn't any and yet I cried so hard. That girl wasnt ready. That girl also stopped her tears that day on her own. Or so thats how I remembered it. It was a flaky memory like her language of love to me.
My relationship with my mother has always been distant. She killed the love inside of me when i was way younger (before the incident above) with a simple sentence she spoke without a single thought about how it would affect me. In fact, when she said that very sentence to me, I stopped everything I wanted to say and I had zero emotions. Because I didnt understand if it was hurtful, it just made me stop talking about my problems at school with her. It did make me focus better in school for some reason.
She never apologised for it. And I could never go to her whenever I had problems. In fact it has been so long that I dont even know if a sorry could ever help me to open up to her. Whenever I had problems at school I would fear so hard, it would make me cry for days and still, I would not go to her. I'd go to Dad but not tell him my problems. Instead, I would avoid the real issues that I was facing and just tell him that I wanted to quit. Mum wouldnt talk to me. She'd just sent me to a hundred other people to help me.
Which brings me to this, I want to be wanted. I want someone to take interest in me not because they have to but because they just want to. And for a fleeting moment in my tertiary education I thought I had. But that person belongs to someone else. I dont know who.
Do I have to talk about how I feel? Maybe I feel like God is not taking care of me. Hence, I dont see a point in seeing His existence. I bet He's up there saying: "Well if I'd given you that person, you'd still be unhappy and you'd still yearn for more" But can't I do just that? Praying gives us hope, it gives us a place to ask for things and there is no limit to how much can we ask. But ALSO there is no confirmation that they would be answered. So what difference is it to my childhood. I lived in constant fear and I'd go to school perfectly normal, perfectly dutiful and rule abiding, I wanted to be the smartest, the sweetest, the kindest and I wanted them to love me. And so came the problems. But enough of my childhood. Its a normal childhood, I think.
Im all over the place with my thoughts.
Maybe there is no explanation to how Im feeling. That maybe it has just become a part of my personality.
Also my insecurities tell me that maybe my promise with god that i made in front of mum was taken seriously too. Remember I said I wanted to be the smartest, so in order to do that I swore to god in front of mum that i will not see boys as long as Im schooling. And I would never have a boyfren. like she fucking cared and now, look, what a mess we find.
So thats 25 pretty neat huh, bye now.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)