The amount of stress one feels in her own home builds a form of helplessness so much so that it numbs the mind, soul and body to do nothing but worry. Through that anxiety that just keeps building up because, again, tomorrow gives no closure for unresolved frustrations caused by the most important figure in your life. If one wants to feel relieved and calm, one has to resort to all kinds of methods to do so. Positive or negative, either way one has got to do it.
I am tired of all this stupid shenanigans my dad does whatever he wants, whenever he feels like it. He drinks, he smokes and he just doesn't behave like himself anymore. To the point where he hits me, that's the breaking point and I don't think I can count on anyone in the family to help myself. Nobody helps nobody.
Dear dad,
Drinking, smoking are not the problem but getting drunk and high, getting into all kinds of crappy dramas outside. You're not even tolerant enough, YOU'RE SO PATHETIC. You're a pathetic piece of meat that is completely useless and self-centered. I hate everything. I wish ya'll just die.
And now, I'm self-centered. Okay, you know what... I tried for 6 years of my life. I was keen on helping this family become better, closer and happier. I was so persevering, I didn't let anything affect the way I see my family that appears to be. I tried to be understanding,
But what I get in return? Empty promises. *NEXT TIME, DON'T BOTHER MAKING A PROMISE YOU CAN'T KEEP. WHAT'S THE POINT?* I tried to see where you are coming from. I compromised even though I should not have to. I was too young. To train myself to be empathetic towards you has made me (I'm sorry to say this but) fall in my life. I have been so wrapped up in your stupid life, I never had mine. What do you think I want? Instead of assuming me to be the good girl, why don't you hear what I have to say.
Yes, it is true that I wanted to look up to someone, feel safe but I never had a proper role model. I needed one. But for the past years, why can't you see my efforts. How I abandoned so many things in my life just for the family. Or just to make you happy. Maybe it wasn't enough for you, is it? I am not happy, dad. You want a life, dad, well make one. Stop dwelling on your stupid past nobody cares about but you. For so many years, this house is full of grief, sorrow, sadness, anger. Too much negativity in the house to make me think positively anymore, I can't be a positive person.
When I go out into the world, I face good peers who could actually help me succeed in life together but I get rejected because of my negativity. I always thought that I had to drown in my pool of thoughts so that when something bad happens, the impact will not be so strong as oppose to being high positive sunshine, everything's going to be okay kinda mood and be completely let down and ruined when problems arise.
You don't think I care? Yeah, maybe I don't want to anymore. But I can't help it can't I? The fact that I'm writing in this blog shows that I still care a whole fucking lot and for what?
Seeing you hurt mum who, by the way, is incapable of thinking clearly when you act up honestly, it makes me want to punch you. I don't blame mum for being weak, She was raised in the environment where she only had to follow rules and listen. She doesn't have a mind of her own but that doesn't give you the right to take advantage of her.
You have problems. BIG DEAL. Guess what, everybody has problems, if you're gonna behave like this, it just shows one thing, you're immature and you have not learned. In fact, with that ego of yours, you will never learn. And for forever, you will always be stuck in that hot stew of troubles you cooked up for yourself.
Just because the family is always here, doesn't mean that you could pull them into your stupid things. And it also doesn't mean that you won't be alone. You will forever feel lonely in that thick body of yours. Soul sucking, annoying, people-hurting person that you are portraying yourself to be right now.
-Sincerely, I'm done.
PS. I know I'm not supposed to be ranting about my family here but if someone out there is able to relate, why not? :) I hope whoever's reading this will find hope in their life and feel less lonely because of their situation. Nope I am not a negativity- spreading person, I try. HAHA I keep trying till I find a way.
